I received an email today from a young BW who said:
“I have notice many conscious black women I have talked too are having trouble finding decent black men. Its bad enough if we dated outside our race, but its black women that are in their late thirties want to have families but can’t find decent black men to start families with.
We have heard we can find good black men at the our jobs, social events and etc. but we are still not finding them anywhere. What should black women do who want to have children & start families, because their second option is to produce a family with a non black men. Especially when these black women are in their mid to late thirties.”
This wasn’t the first time I’ve received a question like this. Unfortunately, I don’t have an answer or a solution that will immediately solve the problem. I’ve even heard a similar complaint from black males seeking an honorable black female they could marry and start a family with.
The one thing I won’t suggest we do–no matter how tempting it is–is to bash black males. The truth is our relationships have been damaged since we were brought to these shores as chattel slaves. And another truth is this is not a problem restricted to black people. The white divorce rate is OVER 50% and it would be higher if there weren’t children and money and property involved.
In fact, the black male/black female relationships are patterned after the DEFECTIVE WHITE EXAMPLE OF male/female relationships. Look at the battles going on between white males and white females, including the “women’s liberation movement,” and the rate of white spousal murder and domestic violence.
I wrote about the problems with BM/BW relationships in my second book, “Black Love Is A Revolutionary Act.”
But back to the email…
I do have some suggestions that won’t immediately produce a “good black man” or a black prince charming with a diamond ring and a marriage proposal in hand BUT there is something I think MUST BE DONE by black females IF we are to change the direction of black male/black female relationships.
Keep in mind that I am NOT bashing black females–who are the most mistreated females on the planet bar none–but we have to understand that we are PART OF THE PROBLEM. That means we are also PART OF THE SOLUTION to healing our relationships.
The biggest culprit, of course, is the SYSTEM OF RACISM/WHITE SUPREMACY that devastated our families, our self-respect and self-esteem over a period of 500 YEARS. So, while we are busy throwing non-productive stones at each other, the next time we pick up another rock and take aim, we should remember:
WHO IS MOST RESPONSIBLE
Here’s my list of 10 things BW can and need to do — starting NOW:
1. STOP SUPPORTING TV SHOWS, MOVIES, AND ENTERTAINERS who demean, degrade, stereotype, marginalize black females, and make us INVISIBLE in the lives of black males.
This includes MOST Denzel Washington, Samuel Jackson, and lately, most Will Smith movies — and movies like “Red Tails” where not a single black male was involved with a black female.
Why in the God’s green earth would BW spend our hard-earned money just be be disrespected and demoralized by watching a black male love, rescue and support ANYBODY BUT US?
Now, try to imagine the masses of white female audiences supporting Tom Cruise OR Richard Gere if they only made movies showing them making love to black women.
You can’t imagine it because it WOULD NEVER HAPPEN.
And if we continue to support these “products” — aren’t we teaching black males, our boys, our girls, and the rest of the world that WE DO NOT COUNT – not even to ourselves?
Are black women willing to give up a movie or a CD or a TV show that marginalizes or degrades us?
Only we can answer that question. If the answer is NO – that we aren’t willing to make even a small sacrifice to respect ourselves then we should expect to get more of what we are already getting and in fact, for things to get MUCH WORSE.
2. STOP Bringing white females around your family and friends. Years ago, a BM told me once that somebody should tell sisters to stop bringing white girls around black males because those girls are not their friends and are only coming around to get with a black male.
I have found this to be true the majority of time and one of my personal experiences happened years ago. There was a black male, Lee, who lived two doors down from me. One time he invited me to go out with him and a group of people from his job. He was supposed to meet up with this black female he was dating at a black club. When we got there, she was already there, sipping cocktails with her “white girlfriend.”
To make a long story short, Lee wound up hooking up with the white female “friend” of the black female he was “dating.” Shortly after they moved in together, I ran into the white female in a grocery store.
Her body language clearly telegraphed that she wasn’t comfortable with black people–the same vibe I got in the club. While we went through the fake motions of having a “friendly” chat, she said something that confirmed my earlier suspicions. That she was a RACIST.
She said, “Lee is not like other black men.”‘
Holding back a sigh, I asked her what she meant.
And she said, “Well, he’s not ignorant.”
My point is she pretended to befriend a black female to get next to a black male. It didn’t matter one whit that this was the man her black “friend” was dating. Nor did her being an outspoken RACIST stop her from sexing black males.
And I advise black males NOT to take this as a compliment. It is far from that. It is part of the sexual dynamics of racist man and racist woman to sexually sewer, control and exploit their black victims, ensuring that their victims will be too confused and self-hating to EVER present ANY threat to the system of white supremacy — and it’s about time we understood that.
3. STOP Supporting Demeaning TV shows like “Empire” where two black males are with non-black females and males.
And if you think that’s extreme, find ONE TV show that is popular with white females where the white males are NOT romantically involved with anything BUT white females. My money says you can count the number on ONE FINGER.
4. STOP SUPPORTING rap music, movies, and TV shows that degrade ALL black women AND hold up dark-skinned black females for public ridicule.
5. STOP Calling other black females bitches and hos then expecting black males to respect us.
Thanks to mass media, and black “reality” TV shows, I have observed an INCREASE in the disrespect black females show for each other in public and in private. We often don’t speak when spoken to, or we take a dislike to another black female who has DONE NOTHING to us other than exist on the same planet.
I believe this happens for the same reason black people disrespect other black people. Once you are convinced you are nothing then it easy to assume the same about someone who LOOKS LIKE YOU.
I also believe that black females see OTHER black females as unwelcome competition for a shrinking pool of available, heterosexual black males actually interested in dating and marrying black females.
Regardless of the reasons, we need to understand that we are TEACHING OTHER PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT US by the way WE treat OR disrespect other black females. We are making our situations worse NOT better.
6. Eliminate anti-black language from your vocabulary that we learned from racist white people.
I hear other black people address other black people with comments like, “black ape, monkey, gorilla, good hair, pretty eyes (meaning light-colored eyes), black and ugly, niggers, niggas, black bitch, ho, and nappy headed. When we address other black people with these foul names we are saying the SAME THINGS ABOUT OURSELVES.
7. Restore the DIGNITY to Black Womanhood by respecting ourselves.
Black women used to be the most conservative women in America because we had to be. But with integration and mass media images and movies and music, many black females have adopted styles and behavior that telegraph our LACK of respect for ourselves.
When we parade around half naked in front of our sons, brothers, nephews, and other young and impressionable black males we are TELLING THEM that we are just PIECES OF BLACK MEAT to be consumed like a meal and I have NEVER ONCE seen anyone eat a piece of food and then show respect to it later.
When we wear hairstyles and hair colors that DO NOT FLATTER our naturally beautiful skin tones or natural hair, we are TELLING everyone who sees us that we wish we were anyone BUT OURSELVES.
8. TEACH our black sons and nephews and grandsons to LOVE and RESPECT black females by setting a good example.
I have watched black females encourage their sons to disrespect young black females. NOT teaching them to RESPECT and PROTECT black girls and women is a GUARANTEE that our sons will one day become one of those “not good black men” for the next generation of black females coming up. Why would we want to continue the black legacy of failed black families and relationships?
9. STOP Letting black males use us sexually and STOP, STOP, STOP having babies with men who will NOT COMMIT to us. This is NOT a condemnation of the BW who already have children. Sometimes we have to do the best we can with the hand we are holding.
HOWEVER, to deliberately have a child with a man who is either already MARRIED or is not committed to you shows a gross lack of self-respect for ourselves AND the welfare of our future children.
Also, be aware that RACIST WHITE MALES are the white males MOST LIKELY to sexually proposition black females. Do not be fooled by the false imagery on TV shows like Scandal. Olivia is simply playing the role of an educated, sophisticated WHITE MAN’S WHORE.
10. NEVER allow ANY man to pit us against another black female he is sexually involved with. The odds are HE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT EITHER ONE OF YOU — and it makes no sense to blame the “other woman” for what HE is doing to you.
A GOOD BLACK MAN will NEVER PIT YOU against another woman. You will ALWAYS know where you stand with him. Right by his side.
There is no easy answer to solving the problem that possibly millions of black women are dealing with BUT the beginning of solving any problem is ADMITTING our role in it AND to stop supporting our own mistreatment. We not only owe it to ourselves we owe it to all the black girls coming up behind us– our daughters and nieces and granddaughters and even those girls we do not know.
DO WE REALLY WANT THEM TO EXPERIENCE WHAT WE HAVE ALREADY EXPERIENCED?
I sincerely hope the answer to that question is NO!
And I hope black males will take to heart everything I have said above.
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